Defeat

I am defeated.
I am lost.
I am ignored.
I am nothing.
I am a zero on a contract.
I am useless.

I am also tired. No, exhausted. From trying and trying. And failing. Every, Single. Time. It is not a single rejection or even a cluster of failures to recover from.... no, it is a continuous rejection. One that has followed me since I can remember.

I am never good enough. Never have been.
Ok, ok.... I have to admit that is not entirely true. My family thinks the world of me. My mom and dad are proud of me, my children respect, obey and cherish me... my husband accepts and loves me. He is my best friend. My only friend, actually. I have acquaintances, yes. But there is no-one that actually goes out of their way to be with me.

So, I am nobody's friend. I am a loss and a failure as a business thingy. I am not an entrepeneur. Calling myself an entrepeneur would mean that I actually started a business and have sold something. I have sold, yes. Considering the quantities in the period concerned, it is miniscule and negligible.

My last facebook attempt at an ad didn't even get a like. I got 1 share. Not 1 comment and not 1 response. My camping initiative failed. I can't sell my soap or clay. I can't sell anymore Annique. Nobody is interested in my photography... I struggle at homeschooling, I am one hell of a big failure...

My fight has been against believing all that. Fighting harder to succeed. Stand up and try again. And again. And again.... You don't just quit!! And all that...

Maybe it is truly and really time to give it  up.

I am there now. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of being ignored. Tired of being such a big nobody. But you know what? I am sitting in front of my laptop, with a glass of low-kilojoule crisp white wine, eating droewors and baby corn, watching Deep Blue Sea.... and I know it doesn't matter.
What I feel, or the fact that I am feeling it, doesn't matter. Why I am feeling it, even less so.

Metallica said it best: Nothing else matters...

Now, to be honest, I never quite got the thing that actually matters. But for me... I know I am unworthy and unliked, I am rejected and despised, spat upon and ridiculed, ignored. For me, the "nothing else" would be my husband and my kids. Apart from them, nothing else matters.

Not even me.


Written by: Marista Grobler
Date: 2015
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